Thursday, December 6, 2012

A Trip to the Heavenlies

And [he] deceiveth them that dwell on the earth by the means of those miracles which he had power to do in the sight of the beast; saying to them that dwell on the earth, that they should make an idol for the beast.

A Trip to the Heavenlies
AE Reiff

So I was just sittin in my car one day mindin my own business when I get this call from Joe see who says, "the way, the way is now clear for you to enter the heavenlies."
    It was 11 A.M.
    "Enter or exist," he said.
    How can I go?
    "Listen to me," he said, "the way is now open!"
    "Okay Joe," I said, "can I have a day to think it over?"
    "No," he said, "it's now or never."
    So I got out my old Rust-Oleum can, cinched down an extra and eased into this phone booth.
    "Joe," I said, "you goin' too?"
    But he looked at me with that spaniel gaze, slammed the phone door and before I knew it we were in the heavenlies.
    First thing I saw was these shoes bowing down to a bust of the Igod. On the bust was a slot where they would punch in their cards. Then, licking the card, they go down dead in a swoon.
    I said, "Joe, if that's all there is, I'm for goin' back."
    But he gave me my own card and led me up to the idol, which I saw then was alive in a sort of way because ooze was slobbering out the corners of its mouth.
    The ooze filled an irrigation channel which connected by tubes to the mantises prone.
    Joe shot in his card, licked it and fell down dead.
    I was dumb-found, but the idol spoke: "Stick it to me," it said.
    So I got out my Rust-Oleum and sprayed it in the head.
    Oil and water don't mix, we all know that, but I was not prepared for the result when the ears fell off.
    The tongue slid out the mouth and little trees took root from the nostrils in mid-air.
    Withal there was a hammering sound so I gave another squirt and the whole thing turned black and fell backwards.
    At which time Joe and his cohorts woke.
    Joe took one look and said, "we better get out-a-here."
    So we got back in the phone booth and here I am.
    I would say it's a fun place to visit, but I don't know if you should want to stay there.

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